It’s been a little over a month since my last post, detailing the demise of the Mediatheque and the “closing” of a certain chapter in my life. Since then, I have shaved my head to the scalp – much to the shock and surprise of my wife and daughter (the hair grew back! i have a pattern – traumautic emotional hit = must shave head and start anew). And I have also remained quite diplomatic to all around this entire situation.
I haven’t found a lot of motivation to be creative, to write…quite frankly, the feeling has been a little lonely, still and awkward really.
All of the feelings that I wrote about in my last post remain, but that was truly from my heart, and not a description of the buzzing that mind has been doing since that April 4th day. I have come to the realization that I have not processed what this reality is going to be. I know I will be fine, I know that I will find my way in some direction or the other – but, I am not dealing with the idea that my colleagues are breaking up, that I don’t know where I will be falling – let’s just say I’ve built a lovely wall of avoidance and distraction to make me ignore it all.
The wall has to come down and I know that it will. I guess I’m just afraid for when it does, whether I will be strong or whether I will be a vulnerable and scared thing. I hate goodbyes (granted, I don’t know anyone who likes them) and I know that I do not deal with them well. I know where that stems from, and I know that I need work in that department – but I guess the first sign of healing is that I can acknowledge its existence.
The good sign is that I am writing now, and returning back to blogging matters. I even know what pop culture blogging post I will be writing next, which is good! So perhaps I am slowly coming to terms with this entire thing (because I am writing again) and I might actually be able to grasp at a tangible processing.
Wow, this is a little more “psychosis” of myself that I am used to writing about on this blog – I guess I do have the ability to not just write about pithy things on here. In any case, I won’t be writing about this particular topic anymore (at least I don’t think that I will right now). Time will make me realize where I am supposed to go. I just hope that I can find that out sooner than later.